DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
