I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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