Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
