I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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