Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
