just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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