plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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