you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
