Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
