I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
