Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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