i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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