I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Still dying that you shit outside
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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