I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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