Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
