my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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