I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
