I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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