I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
