my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
