I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
