you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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