This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
