Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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