dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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