Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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