i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
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