So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
