Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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