Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
