so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
