I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
