Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
