Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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