don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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