totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
