Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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