I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
