i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
