Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
even my farts smell like vagina
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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