I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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