Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
