New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
