My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
