i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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