I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
operation have a gay friend backfired
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
