The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
