I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
