I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
MIDGETS
????
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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