i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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